How to Fail (The Working Mom Version)

May 13, 2013

SEP Blog Battle 500 starts with writing about How to Fail. Great! Something we can all relate to! So I bring to you “How to Fail (The Working Mom Version)”, also known as “How to NOT Do This Whole Work and Procreate Thing”.

Let’s start from the beginning…

  1. Pick a life partner that expects a dry martini, a spotless house and a back rub when he gets home from work. Failure level – 6. You may be able to overcome this one if you are slightly OCD and an overachiever. But, you’ll be cranky. Cranky is bad. Try finding someone who doesn’t mind picking up their own socks and might even be able to run a vacuum. Or hire a maid. Your choice.
  2. Assume your children won’t rip your heart out and stomp on it by telling you they’re really glad you didn’t have any meetings on Mother’s Day. Failure level – 2. Even I didn’t see that one coming. What’s that old saying…kids say the darnedest things… There will be puppy dog eyes and pouty lips and things that make you say ‘Ouch’. Try to remember it’s because of your awesome set of mom-skills that they want you around. Also, see #5 on why this is your issue and not theirs.
  3. Assume said kids are scarred for life because you always have meetings. Failure level – 10. Yeah, sure, they are going to wish you went on more field trips. But I have to tell you I have no bigger cheerleaders than my 2 boys. They’ve seen hard work and dedication and they know that other things (besides them gasp) are important. Couple that with not scheduling any meetings on Mother’s Day = winning.
  4. You can balance work and life. Failure level – 5. There is no balance. This assumes one is exclusive of the other. Not any more. Integration is the key. You’re going to need to learn to type and pump at the same time or handle a telecon with a barfing kid in the background. Don’t try to pretend that when you’re at work you’re not still a parent and when you’re at home you’re not still thinking about work. Oh, and make sure you know where the mute button on your phone is.
  5. Believe you won’t feel any ‘Mommy Guilt’. Failure level – Epic. Anyone who tells you differently is giving you a line of BS. You’re a mom. If you miss one teeny tiny thing you’ll feel guilty. When you can’t be the room parent, you’ll feel guilty. It’s dumb, but you’ll still do it. See #4 for reassurance.

So there you have it…the top 5 (or maybe 1st 5) ways to fail as a working momma. Could any of this apply to dads too (minus the elements that are biologically impossible)? You tell me!